Fucking Feminist

Please note that this post contains my thoughts and opinions regarding consensual sex acts.

***

Everyone deserves to experience pleasure and everyone is entitled to a sexual experience that feels equal, empowered and unashamed. Where women, in particular, feel like equal partners as opposed to the secondary participant. Where participants have the safety and strength to explore their desires and to communicate what these desires are with their partners.

The above is my sexual conduct in a nutshell.
If it's yours too then you may just be a fucking feminist.

We need to broaden our definition of sex: The pumping penis-in-vagina is culturally still regarded as the main event and everything else outside of this gets referred to as ‘foreplay’, leaving out the gays, the lesbians, the transgender, and for the heteros, putting prominence on an act that isn't necessarily the favourite part of lovemaking for women, nor the surest route to climax. Very,very few women can orgasm from penetration alone and it's surprising how many people feel there is something wrong with them when climax doesn't happen from this activity. Human sexuality is extremely varied and defining "sex" as penetrative intercourse means leaving out the pleasurable acts and the categories of people which are vital to sexual liberation.

I know it seems unlikely that people could be expected to stay in a relationship which doesn't involve penetrative sex, after all, they have needs. People's needs may include receiving oral sex, but there are plenty of people who don’t view cunnilingus as the sex act. Plenty of people take certain acts completely for granted, probably because culturally we put intercourse on a pedestal. I run with people who share my "outside the box” fucking -- because let’s face it, most of us aren't fucking to make babies.

Historically women have been valued for their bodies and for the ability to improve the quality of life for men, not for being treated as whole people. A sexual encounter that caters only to the male's enjoyment is a throw-back to that time. As a single fucking feminist, I've had experiences that have felt like this relic of time still happens. Respecting women and being a feminist means both participants will care about her enjoyment. Of all the things that can strip away a woman's sense of worth it's being treated like a walking set of orifices.

When describing the act of intercourse with our children instead of saying "the man puts his penis in the woman's vagina" how about saying: "the woman takes the man's penis and puts it in her vagina."

Of course most feminist know that sex nowadays includes more than just penetration, but it’s hard to ignore the cultural imagery of sex in t.v./film and in the mainstream porn industry which is completely misogynistic, catered to male fantasies and not at all an accurate portrayal of female sexual pleasure. We still subscribe to an entertainment industry where consensual scenes of cunnilingus are considered inappropriate while extreme, murderous violence is not. Hollywood is utterly sexist and female sex-phobic. A male's orgasm gets a PG-13 rating, a woman's orgasm (unless of course it's a fake one), receives a rating of R.

Halle Barry's character receives mighty fine oral in Monster's Ball

The portrayal of women receiving oral sex in some Hollywood films such as Away we Go, Blue Valentine, Black Swan, Greenburg, Basic Instinct, Boys Don’t Cry, In the Cut, Monsters Ball actually nail, mind the pun, sex-positive feminism (am I missing any? Let’s all ponder this exquisite topic for a few minutes).

Sex-positive feminism in film is not just about accurate portrayal of female sexual pleasure but also showing examples of women calling the shots with their own sexual health and safety. But I’d like to think we all know that as individuals we are responsible for our self-disclosure, STD/STI prevention and birth control methods. If your partner doesn’t agree with your methods, don't fucking fuck them.

Vivian's a 'safety girl' and she says who, she says when, she says how much

A film buff I was having a summer fling with told me: "your vagina's amazing and you know it". I assumed he was referring to my confidence level. What he meant was: "You know your own vagina. That’s sexy”.

Taking the mystery out of your genitals is a big component of feminist fucking, show and/or telling, and expecting no one to be a mind-reader. Another big one is honouring the emotional side of your sexual relationships. It’s not being afraid to lose someone if they’re not on the same page as you. It’s speaking up and saying “Hey, this feels degrading”, or “Hey, I’m falling in love” or “I’m not into that” and surrendering to the intimate moments when you bring your whole selves into the act of sex and not just your genitals.

Feminist fucking for women is about knowing your rights and your equality -- you don’t have to be sent to the proverbial red tent when you’re menstruating. If you like screwing around on your period, you have a right to tell your partner and ask if they're into it. If you need extra stimulation from your vibrator, let them know. Girls need to learn from a young age that they get to choose how the act of sex goes and that they have a voice.

So now I'm coining a simple formula for Feminist Fucking: 
CHOICE + VOICE 

Not the most feminist Sex & the City fuck scene - he's jack-rabbiting and Carrie has zero power

Feminist fucking is about confronting the conflicted and negative response that can arise in women should we enjoy kink, BDSM, submissive role-playing or my personal fave, surrender sex:

“because feminine surrender and vulnerability have been so abused by men in the past. And when there is no equality between the sexes, it is a very unhealthy dynamic indeed.” (LadyBits@medium.com)

If you want to engage in this type of sex, my big sister advice is to choose a feminist partner, educate yourselves and fuck like a slut. And a slut by definition is:

“A person of any gender who has the courage to lead life according to the radical proposition that sex is nice and pleasure is good for you,” write Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy in The Ethical Slut: A guide to infinite sexual possibilities.

Blanche identified as a "slut' to strip the word of it's hurtful power, but still, names can hurt us

Experience sex acts that are journey-oriented and not destination-oriented -- that don't end with your partner asking: "Did you cum?".

Being a feminist doesn't mean there are strict codes of conduct or a board of feminist executives who judge your authenticity. You either are or you are not. It's whether you believe and practice that women are equal to men socially, politically, economically, and in my opinion, sexually.

If you've ever felt like a secondary participant, give yourselves permission to re-think the patriarchal definitions of sex. Ponder the ways you've felt limited, excluded, unsatisfied, voiceless and accommodating. Flip fucking on its side and I promise you will get all the pleasure and all the power when you choose to become a Fucking Feminist.