"Me too." my lover says as he holds my gaze. We smirk.
My lover then asks me: "What do you feel when you see a really good-looking guy?"
"Like a sexy random stranger?" I pause and recall. "That often doesn't happen. Attraction usually comes by knowing them. Like you". I pull him in tightly and I feel immense gratitude and joy that I have him in my life. And that I get to fuck him. Yes, all that fucking that we do.
As we squeeze our bodies together I recall that time in recent present when I saw a particular beautiful man and my heart swooned. And it was rare. A man now long-gone from my life.
"Honestly, my first feeling, initially, before anything else was: I wanted to marry him."
He laughs. "That's what my daughter would say. So you're like a 14 year-old."
"I think we're all like 14 year olds".
"You should write a fairytale about the 14 year-old boys who just want to get their dicks wet." He suggests.
"Oh, the original Brother Grimm versions of the fairytales were all about young men getting their dicks wet." I say, remembering the random-old-shit stored in my brain. "Sleeping Beauty, for example, it's not the prince's kiss that wakes her up from that spell. When the princess pricks her finger and falls under a sleeping spell, the prince comes by and has sex with her while she is unconscious. He buggers off on his horse. Nine months later, twins are born from her womb and instinctively crawl their own way up her body to her breasts and start nursing. This is what wakes the princess from her spell." I inform him. "True Love's First Kiss" - this is actually what that expression means."
He gives me that "Hey, Whadda-ya know" look that sometimes I confuse with the "I call Bullshit" look.
He turns his back to me as I sit high on my kitchen countertop and leans his head back into my hands. I twist and turn his hair. We say nothing.
He finally speaks: "The notion of seeing someone and thinking "Hey, I want to marry you", that must come from all those fairytales that we stuff down girl's throats."
I proceed to tell him my favourite fairytale, a story Disney has not touched or fucked with:
When Queen Guinevere ruled the Kingdom, she punished a knight by the name of Sir Gawain for raping a young village peasant. She sent him to roam the depths of the vast kingdom for one year and a half searching for the answer to this question: What is it that all women desire most in the world?
Sir Gawain talks to all the women he meets; peasants, servants, princesses, milkmaids, and he listens intently to each and every one of them as he asks them that single question; but they all say something different. He becomes increasingly disheartened that he hasn't discovered a defining answer. He stumbles on a horrible-looking woman in the swamps; she is truly grotesque; with giant warts, skin hanging off her cheeks, scabs over her eyes, puss bubbles on her mouth and the smell of feces seeping from her pores. He gags at the sight of her, but asks her the question, unable to look her in the face.
"My name is Lady Ragnell and I will tell you, good sir, on one condition." Lady Ragnell says. "Vow to marry me and take me to your kingdom and make me your wife. Once we are married I will tell you the answer you have been seeking."
Sir Gawain agrees as he is desperate to be welcomed back in his kingdom and to be forgiven by his brotherhood of knights and by the Queen.
He mounts the disgusting woman on his horse and rides back to the palace. As he approaches, the men and women in the courtyard point and gasp. They wildly mock him, some vomit on the ground at the very sight of her.
Queen Guinevere greets them with open arms and immediately arranges a wedding ceremony. Later that evening after the wedding, they go to the bedroom to consummate the marriage. Lady Ragnell goes behind a curtain to remove her clothing. When she returns to sight, she is not a gruesome troll but a beautiful woman, with skin as supple as cream and a face like a doll.
"Sir Gawain, the truth is I have been put under a spell which makes me a horrible creature by day, and a beautiful woman by night." She tells him. "Only you can break it by choosing your preference. If you make me horrible by day, all your friends will see me as such and will mock you, but at night, when we lay together, you will have a beautiful body for whom you can happily make love to. Or you could make me beautiful by day, granting all the respect and admiration of your peers. But by night, you will cover me in a sheet and sleep with your back turned."
Sir Gawain looks her in her eyes and answers her this: "My good woman, the truth is, I believe that you know what is best for you and it is you who should choose. It is your life, your body, your will. I trust you know what it is that makes you happy."
"My darling husband, you have broken the spell. You have made me beautiful again both by night and by day, eternally. For you have discovered what it is that women most desire truly -- Above all, women desire sovereignty, to rule their lives as they see fit."
And the spell was broken.
Lady Ragnell and Sir Gawain lived lovingly together for several years until she disappeared one day and never returned. Yet they both lived happily ever after.
***
You must love in such a way that the person you love feels free.
We practice this, he and I. That's why I choose him.
I continue stroking his hair and staring at the back of his head, I couldn't help wonder if my lover would ever love me so much as to want to marry me.
But that kinda stuff just ain't up to me.
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